Bad Dialogue, Philosophy, and Five Minutes on Revenge of the Sith

A quick, un-polished, spoiler-rich rant on various facets of Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, originally appearing in the Anti-Shell Matter weblog: 22 May 2005

Palpatine had some of the best dialogue to come out of that movie, which is not difficult to pull off, but it is still something. Some of his arguments regarding why to join the Sith were pretty convincing, though obviously biased. Come on; he said something to the effect of "You must understand all sides of the Force to attain true power and understand the universe. Do not be subject to the narrow-minded and dogmatic doctrine of the Jedi." That's seductive to me. I admit that I have a weakness for that sort of talk, though it is easy to tell he doesn't really advocate open knowledge so much as he wants mind control. Anakin strikes me as too much of a whiney bitch to really care about the intellectual aspects of the Sith, but the argument makes Palpatine seem like a credible, do-gooding mentor to the gullible.

Somebody who assumes that those who can spout convincing philosophy must be saying what they truly believe, might assume, at this point, that intellectualism is the hallmark of the Sith. If that were true, I would decide to join the Sith, but that is not the case. It seems to me that the Sith Lords deal in pseudo-intellectualism and seductive spewage.

Are the Sith more open-minded than the Jedi? Perhaps to the idea of doing evil and taking 'alternate' paths, but beyond that, not really. Obi-Wan said something to the effect of "Only a Sith deals in absolutes"; black-and-white absolutes are incredibly closed-minded and simplistic. And, the Sith want to run a fascist empire; that in itself calls for pseudo-intellectualism that, paradoxically, gives reason to the elimination of questioning and free will in the name of 'peace' and 'harmony'. If you are a dictator, it is a good policy to adopt; you appease a good deal of intellectuals who are too wrapped up in their own theories to see, with common sense, that unrest is inevitable under oppression, and 'peace and harmony' sound appealing in themselves to the ignorant masses, a great deal of whom may suspend questioning for the sake of that promise, especially after years of war.

Besides, it was never clear that the Jedi did not advocate understanding all sides of the Force to become better aware of the full workings of the universe. I'm sure they discouraged Anakin, since anybody with a grain of sense can see that kid needs to stay as far away from temptation as possible, and I am sure they discouraged the vast majority of the underlings, but I am sure that a well-balanced Jedi is well-versed in theory regarding the Dark Side. Otherwise, how would they know its nature and its tricks?

Then again, keep in mind that I am not a die-hard Star Wars fan. This is all coming off the top of my head.

I don't think I would make a good Jedi, especially if they in any way discourage openness even to knowledge of the Dark Side. I do think they demand a lot of 'patience' and blind faith in their apprentices, something that would cut my endeavors short. I agree with their philosophies of temperance, mercy, selflessness, patience, and self-awareness, though. I really like their light sabers. I really like their outfits, especially Anakin's black number.

And, who wrote the love scene dialogue? I swear to god this movie was written by a philosophy / theology major geek with zero experience in real-life dialogue. And why does such an obnoxious airhead as Padme have to be a Senator? I never saw Attack of the Clones, but I think her IQ was drained with her virginity. She had one decent line the entire movie.

And, on that note, why doesn't such a technologically-advanced society have birth control? You'd think a Senator with an active life, who is married to man who is not supposed to be having romantic relationships at all, would be on birth control. If there is such a thing, it either failed (it happens), or Padme is a twit and forgot her pills. If she had been on birth control and it had failed, I don't think she'd be so happy-go-lucky about being knocked up.

And, on the special effects note, OMFG SHINY. The cityscapes were gorgeous. I would gladly shack up in Anakin and Padme's little vista. They have a 360 degree view of the city, which I swear I have seen before in Blade Runner and The Fifth Element (but this city was much prettier), along with several science fiction CGI mock-ups. The lava-fight scene between Anakin and Obi-Wan... you will not understand its greatness until you see it. It is off the hook. The water-globe show in that arena... Final Fantasy X, anybody? I half expected to see a blond punk backflip out of the water and kick a ball back into the sphere. And Palpatine shot lighting like he did in Return of the Jedi! That makes my inner old skool fangirl happy.

And, Obi-Wan was easy on the eyes. Usually, I dislike facial hair, but Ewan pulls it off well. He was easily the most badass character, and, personality-wise, ten times sexier than Anakin. Anakin was a whiney little bitch in sore need of a swift kick up the ass. He never grew up, though he wasn't so hard on the eyes either. That doesn't make him sexy in my book. Sex appeal is just as much the substance.